fatima: (2)
"I've seen old men cry when they sing it."
"Why? It sounds cheerful."
They were remembering who they were not singing it with.
fatima: (tower of light)
By living our lives, we nurture death. True as this might be, it was only one of the truths we had to learn. ... No truth can cure the sadness we feel from losing a loved one. No truth, no sincerity, no strength, no kindness, can cure that sorrow. All we can do is see that sadness through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sadness that comes to us without warning.

I was not in shock. Not exactly. And for some reason there was no denial. He is (was) loved by so many, in Europe and far, far beyond. Somehow I feel like I have no right to mourn, because all I have done was admiring him from afar. For atheists such as myself, there is a very blunt finality afforded by death—that thin but irrevocable line between is and is not. Johan has, as they say in America, left the building.

And what can I say about that? Nothing really. I did not live in his time. Like a lazy tourist arriving late at the Cape of Sounion, I had only managed to witness the very last glimpses of the magnificent sunset that was his later life. Tomorrow the sun rises anew, and there will be a thousand more sunsets. They will mesmerize and seduce the world with their exhilarating glories, but none of them will be him, and none of them will be his.
fatima: (haru yo koi)
The problem with words is that they have meanings, thus it's difficult for me to formulate the syllables—it's almost like bleeding out a slow death.

But silence also kills, and once in a while I come across words that allows me to touch my ghosts.
fatima: (loss)
It is unkind to remind people of the things that they cannot change.
fatima: (sherlock - london)
今年夏天去德国找[livejournal.com profile] euphoriathyla玩,再给她一份她真的喜欢的礼物。:)

但是在那之前要好好工作工作工作工作工作……
fatima: (himitsu)
要如何让一条蛇去理解一朵花呢?
fatima: (sherlock - gaze)
突然收到一封电邮。其实看邮件标题和发信人我就大概猜到是啥事儿,但真点开了还是跪了……
千言万语,无言以对。
I'm so conflicted. I guess that's life.
fatima: (soft)
A while back [livejournal.com profile] iris242x asked me to list ten books which had the biggest influence on my life. Rather surprisingly, it took me very little time to arrive at the answer. The list, to my surprise, had an almost even divide between fiction and non-fiction, with six male and five female authors (although I suppose I really don't know what is the gender of Hong Ling these days...).

  • Norwegian Wood by MURAKAMI Haruki
  • Night Watch by Terry Pratchett
  • Biographies of Deviant Vampires by HONG Ling
  • One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
  • Eileen Chang's collection of prose
  • The Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston
  • The Age of Umi Ikaba (海行兮的年代 : 日本殖民統治末期臺灣史論集) by ZHOU Wanyao
  • Censoring History by Laura Hein and Mark Selden
  • Imagined Communities by Benedict Anderson
  • Thought and Behaviour in Japanese Politics by MARUYAMA Masao

This is, of course, a rather eclectic collection, and I don't make the pretension that the works listed have comparable literary or scholarly value. However, the personal impact of each is real—in many sense, each of them have either been a gateway towards self-realization, or a window into some profound, personal truth.

And lately, I keep thinking of Maruyama Masao's words—not his piercing academic treatises, but a single observation (and one that is probably off-the-cuff) that I encountered while reading him in the mountains. I cannot vouch that I have the exact words right, but what he said was roughly this: "The loneliest feeling in the world is when everyone around you believe in something that you don't."

Maybe that's why the anger in me never dies.
fatima: (......)
As online fandoms lower their entry-barriers and become increasingly anonymous (depersonalized) / democratic (decentralized), their participants also become less likely to cultivate interpersonal relationships and socially/emotionally invest in the greater circles. Instead of using fandom as a place to express creativity (however juvenile) and find fulfillment (emotional or otherwise), what I have seen in these days in the Chinese fandom circles is that people are increasingly using it as a place to vent negativity.

I'm not saying people have been "corrupted" and turned nasty by the new platforms of social media. I'm saying that due to the new social media platforms on which fandoms operate, it's so much easier to be nasty to other people. And Lord knows, we are only human. When we don't have to care about the consequences of our actions because everything is replaceable, it's that much more tempting to just let go of the internal controls and let the claws come out.
fatima: (playful)
几番磕磕碰碰,终于把Only An Ocean Away(AKA:环太马克AU)的时间线全写出来了……时间线都有快三千字,这还能不能好了……orz

荔枝同学还有几个小时就要上飞机啦,一路平安~~这几天拉着我去了两个作为土著这么多年都没去的地方——Neue Gallery里克里姆特的金闪闪,还有布鲁克林大桥的夜景……都是好美好美的呀。^_^ 还一起吃了好多甜食(……)以及Carmine's家的神兽意大利面。(说起意大利面,我脸上的过敏已经好了ehehehe。)喔还有布鲁克林的Coney Island以及Williamsburg....

好吧,既然回去了,就请加油写文啦!我也会努力的!(我目前可已经写了两段快三千字了……)
fatima: (haru yo koi)
忘记是谁说的了:要写东西很容易,你只需要划破一根动脉让血流出来。对此我曾深以为然

应该说,现在也仍深以为然。不过我开始发现,让它成立的前提也并不是那么容易做到。我想,我近年来觉得写东西越发困难,就是因为不再希望把情感割裂出来给人看,哪怕是藏在别人的故事里面也不行。曾经打算写一个白蛇与法海的长篇故事,但也还是不行。一想到别人可能看出的蛛丝马迹,我就害怕起来。

也许是回过神来了,发现我的情感不是艺术大师的绝世之作,做不到无论粗制滥造拷贝出多少周边版本都总有真迹在高堂之内流光溢彩。这种心态有点像上个世纪初人民群众对于照相机的普遍误解,觉得被咔嚓照一次灵魂也就被偷走那么一点。我怕把真实藏在虚假里太久了,它会不复是真实。

这几天被一个无比时泪且无比纠结且就没有几篇文的真人CP击中,读了得以存留的几篇故事。其实从“同人”的角度来说它们都不能算太“好”,因为作者明显太偏心把一方多少塑造成了堕入凡尘的精灵,简单来说就是OO了那个C。然而我仍然如同着了魔似地一页又一页看了下去——因为有一篇文的开头几行字让我差点没泪如雨下,因为另一个系列其中的细节让我能感到心脏在绞动。

不论如何,它们让我想起了那些柔软而没有防备的东西,那种村上春树笔下的“心灵震颤”——“它类似一种少年时代的憧憬,一种从来不曾实现而且永远不可能实现的憧憬。这种直欲燃烧般的天真烂漫的憧憬,我在很早以前就已遗忘在什么地方了,甚至在很长时间里我连它曾在我心中存在过都未曾记起。”

It finally hit me some dozen or so years later. I had come to Santa Fe to interview a painter and was sitting in a local pizza parlor, drinking beer and eating pizza and watching a miraculously beautiful sunset. Everything was soaked in brilliant red—my hand, the plate, the table, the world—as if some special kind of fruit juice had splashed down on everything. In the midst of this overwhelming sunset, the image of Hatsumi flashed into my mind, and in that moment I understood what that tremor of the heart had been. It was a kind of childhood longing that had always remained—and would forever remain—unfulfilled. I had forgotten the existence of such innocent, all-but-seared-in longing: forgotten for years to remember what such feelings had ever existed inside of me. What Hatsumi had stirred in me was a part of my very self that had long lain dormant. And when the realization struck me, it aroused such sorrow I almost burst into tears.

前一阵在林肯中心和某阿姨聊天的时候说起《挪威的森林》,说它是一本我差不多每年都会读一次,而且几乎每次都会发现新的共鸣之处的书。上面这一段,却是让我从第一眼起便念念不忘的。Tremor of the heart, all that is true within, and all that which never can be true without. Yet God still causes rain to fall on everyone, the true an the untrue alike.
fatima: (home)
如Rin所言,时也命也运也。

很为德国队高兴(喜欢被我叫成少侠的穆勒,喜欢外星来客的厄齐尔),很为K神高兴,但还是忍不住羡慕德迷们啊。

有生之年能看到美国队捧杯吗?有生之年能看到亚洲队伍捧杯吗?或者好吧,换个现实点的:荷兰什么时候能捧杯?(英格兰我就…………不说了……)

So much joy and even more heartbreak, time and time again.

For the beautiful game.
fatima: (eyes)
There are two things I'll always remember about Nagano 1998: The men's singles figure skating, and Team Ski Jump. (As for the ladies' singles figure skating, all these years later I'm still trying to forget.) Watching that linked video just brings tears to my eyes.

Sochi Update, of sorts? )
fatima: (gazing3)
诚不我欺。

当然,其实我最近几年来真的都没混啥圈就是了。因为……大概还是没有抱团的欲望吧。我喜欢和我谈得来的人,但对于谈不来的我是几乎本能性地无视掉—所以扯不上什么对家,什么粉黑恩怨。我不是一个特别平和的人(事实上应该有不少朋友对我的印象是“难搞”),然而也许正因如此,我不愿意动用我的感情去恨人。(不要说什么“恨”这个词太大,什么仇视敌视黑,归根结底都是一个意思。)

说文艺一点就是,恨这种事情,会给人的灵魂上锈的。虽然我不敢说自己的灵魂有多干净,甚至不敢说自己有灵魂,但……怎么看都是对自己没好处。有鸡血我宁愿发泄在写小黄文上或者脑洞变态设定上。最多不就是硬盘党嘛。何况从火影到山口山都有人陪我一起硬盘,已经是很幸福了。

世界这么大,怎么可能和碰到的人都做朋友。

世界这么大,怎么可能别人干的都是我喜欢的事儿。

世界这么大,路总是有很多条。所以,走自己的路,让别人掐去吧~
fatima: (clamp - stars)
有时候我知道自己在TMD精分。

比如现在。

还有五个小时就要从中国滚回美国了。

万水千山。
fatima: (spn - castiel)
I try to tell myself that everything would be fine, but it feels nothing like the sort.
fatima: (2)
My heart is not like an open highway. (Yeah Bon Jovi, we can't all be like you.)

At best, it's some random leafed trodden path down in the woods.
fatima: (naruto)
我爱小乌鸦:I前辈!久仰久仰!!!
我爱小乌鸦:你是写《至死不渝》的I前辈嘛!
Iris爱Loki:我不是。认错人了。
我爱小乌鸦:那你是写人鱼卡的I前辈吧!!
我爱洛基:……………
Iris爱Loki:说起来,你认识写红铃 的那个作者吗?
我爱小乌鸦:不认识
Iris爱Loki:还有那个,长篇卡伊还是伊卡,卡被关在监狱还是什么。我都在追文哟~~~
Iris爱Loki:好想跟她表白~
我爱洛基:说起来,你们认识那个写红玫瑰白玫瑰的作者大大吗
我爱小乌鸦:那个我看过!那是雪川前辈的!!!!
Iris爱Loki:那个作者不是早就……
我爱小乌鸦:你们认识写POY的那三个棒棒吗?
我爱水墨:……你们别仗着披着MJ就随便调戏啊
我爱小乌鸦:水墨是谁?
我爱洛基:什么!难道POY不是Reiko前辈一个人写的吗!
我爱小乌鸦:当然不是
我爱小乌鸦:听说是88某个巨大的棒棒一手操办的呢!Reiko前辈是被牵连的。
Iris爱Loki:还有一个坏人,都决斗完了,还要从背后给卡卡一刀,作者真邪恶!

杀夜:雪川……为啥我听到这个名字就充满了森森的怨念………………
Iris爱Loki:茕蝶 这个名字呢?
杀夜:这个没有,蝴蝶小姐是我的心之友www
杀夜:而且她没坑过俺www
我爱小乌鸦:居然有没被蝴蝶坑过的人,真罕见啊
杀夜:嘻嘻嘻嘻那是我多纯洁啊
我爱小乌鸦:too simple么,naive么
我爱洛基:现在都叫amai了
fatima: (hohoho)
岚子:我相信你的坑品
蝴蝶:OMG!!居然有人在八八群里面这么说……
荔枝:哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
荔枝:不过蝴蝶你坑品确实还挺好,在我认识你以后……
蝴蝶:那是因为我有了自觉,坑都不拿出来晒了
荔枝:好吧,我对于你,的坑品,的印象是,写完开头坑了后面算什么,写完结尾坑了前面才牛啊
铃铛:==
铃铛:她不认识你吧……
荔枝:狂笑
蝴蝶:你不能这么说!人家在XQ上凭io认出了我!
铃铛:ok
铃铛:she recognizes you, but she doesn't know you...
岚子:捶地
荔枝:这种“纠缠多年仿佛毛与周一样内部暗流涌动的恩怨感”到底是什么
fatima: (tsugumi - white)
鸢尾:有人真住在斯图加特,然后在那里看的复仇者
鸢尾:结果放到斯图加特歌剧院,大家都只顾着笑场去了……没时间欣赏Tom
蝴蝶:我估计纽约的也有点……Grand Central什么的,只顾内心吐槽……
鸢尾:纽约那起码是纽约啊
蝴蝶:那是,纽约被黑惯了
鸢尾:我看到Grand Central了。那可是我对你惊鸿一瞥的地方。
蝴蝶:啊?
鸢尾:我们第一次见面就约在Grand Central你忘了?你说你穿着紫色的裙子
蝴蝶:…………啊………………结果呢?
鸢尾:我走过来看到一个华人mm穿着一件有一丁点紫色花的裙子面目凶狠地瞪了我一眼…
蝴蝶:隐约想起来了……那紫色和黄色的裙子对不……
鸢尾:对
蝴蝶:…………什么叫面目凶狠!!!!!!什么叫瞪你一眼!!!
鸢尾:我看你瞪了我一眼,我就清高地甩甩头走掉了
鸢尾:走掉后,跟你打电话……结果居然就是你……
蝴蝶:你解释一下什么叫做面目凶狠!!!
鸢尾:你就是瞪了我一眼嘛!你要我怎么解释成什么双目相接,都是谎话
蝴蝶:…………我干嘛要瞪你一眼……
鸢尾:我怎么知道……可能你也在找我,于是目光比较,看起来,额,critical?……

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