Kobayashi Maru, Warcraft Edition (Star Trek XI, All Char. crack)

[fatima]

st_xi_kink request (kind of) filled: During a lull in mission activity, the entire bridge crew of the Enterprise (plus Bones and Scotty) are playing WoW. It really ran away from me and the prompt, though. I AM SO SORRY.

For those who do not play WoW but would still like to give this fic a try, certain terminology explained:

1. Arena PvP = player vs. player combat in a controlled environment. Think of it as a duel between two teams (2v2 games = 2 people vs. 2 people).
2. Arena Team = formal teams with set members, the higher the win ratio, the more "points" a team has. At the end of a specified period, the top teams receive certain titles and awards.
3. Camp = a high-level player continuously killing a low-leveled one, resurrection after resurrection. It's generally regarded as a mean thing to do, although not against actual game rules.

Title: Kobayashi Maru, Warcraft Edition
Character: Kirk, Spock, McCoy (and all)
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,176
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.

Kobayashi Maru, Warcraft Edition
by Renata Lord (snowlight)

*

Quarantine is never fun, especially when you are confined to a small room on earth without any personal toys to relieve the boredom. Perhaps in recognition of this fact, Starfleet has the decency to provide both high-speed internet and fully updated World of Warcraft games on all the computers.

Which explains why Captainfine, level 80 human paladin, is hanging around in Lagran Dalaran.

[Bonemender] has signed on.
To [Bonemender]: Yo Bones, wanna do some 2v2?
[Bonemender] whispers: Yeah, just let me check my auctions first.
To [Bonemender]: Cool. Pick up some bandages for me K?
[Bonemender] whispers: Fine. Pay me back later.
[Bonemender] whispers: Dammit, this guy Pasha is undercutting ALL my gems by 1 copper! WTH!

Normally Jim would have laughed at his friend's misfortune, but on the way of running out from the Eventide bank, he becomes entirely too distracted by one person—err, toon—sitting on the bank steps.

Dalaran is a busy city, but he'd recognize Vazga anywhere.

Night elf rogue Vazga, the veritable Arena PvP legend on Starfleet Server. Partnered with a dwarf priest named Azucar, their team "Sugar and Spice" is the only 2v2 team to have achieved the gladiator title in all seasons. Jim himself has been eviscerated to death by Vazga more times than he can count when their respective teams met in Arena. He kind of likes it.

To [Bonemender]: 2v2, NAO! I see Vazga on!! We can probably get to fight her and Azucar!
[Bonemender] whispers: Jim, FOR THE LAST TIME, just because it's a hot NE chick toon, doesn't mean it's an actual girl. Girls don't play WoW!
To [Bonemender]: Shows how much you know. Uhura and Gaila play.
[Bonemender] whispers: ................................WTF?
To [Bonemender]: Yeah they are both officers in that huge guild. Gaila showed off her Ulduar T8.5 shinies to me the other day and was all "you know you wanna get some of this". Anyway, hurry up! I wanna fight Vazga!
[Bonemender] whispers: Dammit Jim, I'm a druid, not a masochist!
To [Bonemender]: L2P, srsly.
[Bonemender] whispers: If you like "her" so much, why don't you ask her out already?

(Meanwhile, in the all-cities-wide trade channel....)

[2. Trade][Phaserpwnz]: I wish they would nerf rogues >_>
[2. Trade][Touchmysword]: LOL h8ter
[2. Trade][Captainfine]: less QQ more pewpew.
[2. Trade][Vazga]: Rogues are fine.
[2. Trade][Buoy]: OMG, Vazga! Talking in trade!
[2. Trade][Phaserpwnz]: vaz I hate u /sadface
[2. Trade][Captainfine]: Vaz, *you* are so fine. Know what I'm sayin'?
[2. Trade] [Vazga]: I am not familiar with that expression, and I see now that talking in trade is a mistake.
[2. Trade][Kainy]: nerf Vazga! rofl
[2. Trade][Rinchan]: Can we, like, actually sell stuff in trade chat plz?
[2. Trade][Serenata]: WTS Vazga's arena team, 2000G or best offer, psttttttttttttttt
[2. Trade][Aeliang]: retarded trade chat is retarded
[2. Trade][Phaserpwnz]: shut up Ael, u r retarded!

To [Vazga]: Hey Vaz, if I win a duel against you, wanna go out with me?
[Vazga] whispers: I fail to see the connection between the two scenarios, aside from that they are both highly unlikely.
To [Vazga]: Come on! I can't be that bad?
[Vazga] whispers: Based on our prior history, your chance of victory over me is approximately 187 to 1.
To [Vazga]: I like them odds!

(Seven minutes later....)

To [Bonemender]: She kicked my ass again. 3:0. ;_;
[Bonemender] whispers: I am overcome with shock. Still wanna do 2s?
To [Bonemender]: Nah, had my fun already. Gonna log for a bit and go harass Spock now, lol.
[Bonemender] whispers: K, later. I still gotta do the stupid Hodir dailies...-_-

With a sigh, Jim Kirk hit Alt-F4, dropped into the bed, and got out his communicator.

"Hey, Spock!"

"Yes, Captain," the Vulcan's voice on the other end is as calm as ever, but there's some oddly familiar background noise coming through. With no small amount of horror, Jim quickly recognizes that sound for what it was.

Dalaran. Background. Music.

All that Vulcan logic must has been rubbing off on him, because he quickly reaches the only logical conclusion and realizes that all the Chuck Norris jokes in the whole fucking world has got NOTHING on this.

"Uh, Spock?" he swallows once, hard. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but....Are you playing Warcraft right now?"

"Indeed, captain. I believe that this particular game is a fairly interesting opportunity to study human behavior patterns and combat tactics. "

James T. Kirk has always prided himself in his excellent reaction time and the ability to recover from any shock. "I see," he says, still a little shaky. "I take it you PvP?" Because there's no way Spock would put up with a PvE raiding team that doesn't function like a computer would.

"Quite so. Sometimes I even camp a little in Stranglethorn Vale on my horde alt."

Suddenly he is VERY glad that he leveled all his alts by having Bones running him through instances. "Mr. Spock, I am shocked. Shocked and appalled."

"Please think of it as a version of the Kobayashi Maru exam, captain. In any case, I am not on my horde alt very often. There are more activities on the alliance side."

"Right. What's the name of your main toon, anyway?" So I can get on my horde alt and gank you every time I see you outside Dalaran, he adds silently.

There is a little pause before Spock replies, "I play a rogue named Vazga."

"You —what?"

He had figured that this day could not have been more surreal. Apparently, he was wrong.

"VAZGA!? As in, the night elf rogue with the 2v2 team? 'Sugar and Spice'-They-Will-Fuck-You-Up-Real-Nice Vazga!?"

"Not in those exact terms," Spock says a shade reproachfully, "But yes, captain, that is my main character. In fact, the name 'Vazga' comes from 'vazgau', the Vulcan word for ‘steal’."

There has got to be a rule in Starfleet regulation books that bans people from playing Warcraft without telling their commanding officers. And another rule that bans them from kicking the said commanding officer's fine ass while looking hot as hell. Night elf girls. They will be the death of him.

"Spock! Why didn't you tell me!" If he's whining, he doesn't really care. The captain is allowed to whine to his first officer right? "All this time! We could have—I dunno, done stuff together!"

"My apologies. I was not aware that you played this game yourself, sir," Kirk can hear that Vulcan eyebrow raising. "Until a moment ago, I have only known two other Enterprise crew members who share this interest of mine."

"Uhura?" Had to be.

"Yes, Lieutenant Uhura introduced me to this game, back at the Academy."

"—and the other one?"

"That would be my 2v2 partner. He's a friend of yours, from what I understand."

"Oh?" Possibilities flash through his head. Can't be Bones, but then—who? Who would play a male dwarf priest? Sulu doesn't seem the priest type, and Chekov is just too young for that beard. Scotty then? Azucar does have engineering as a profession, but—

"Ensign Karlson in Security. I believe you refer to him as Mr. Cupcake?"

*

Finis

A/N: Written as a testament to my 2+ years in the World of Warcraft as a healer, raider, gold farmer auction house goblin, and dress collector. :) Arena PvP, however, was something I never engaged in, so if there is any discrepancies, my apologies to the reader.

Comments

[knightless.livejournal.com]

Came here via your post in wow_ladies. :)

This? Absolute win. I love it. Every single word of it. That last line makes me die every single time I read it. XD Well done! *hands you cookies*

*eats cookies*

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. :D <3 your icon~~~~

[nevermore666.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha, that is brilliant. xD

[ayalesca.livejournal.com]

What, no barrens chat? ;P

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

Heh, on my server trade chat is about as bad as Barrens chat. :P

[ayalesca.livejournal.com]

Also it had not occurred to me until I read this fic that nerve pinch = KSx1000 :D

[sithdragn.livejournal.com]

[Vazga] whispers: Based on our prior history, your chance of victory over me is approximately 187 to 1.
To [Vazga]: I like them odds!

ROFL!

That Cupcake is a Dwarf Priest is somehow so perfect.

Awesome!

[gelsey.livejournal.com]

OMG. I don't play WoW, but my brother does, and just... lmfao. That was freaking hilarious.

[faith-less-one.livejournal.com]

Everyone in my house is asleep, but this just made me laugh so loudly it probably woke the dead.

LOVE IT.

VERY VERY MUCH.

[archangelbeth]

Another person here via WoW_Ladies, and I'm howling my head off with laughter here.

(Could be worse, could be worse -- he could've been a blood elf rogue... No, wait, nelves get shadowmeld bonuses to sneakification. Ah, Spock, your evil -- and your distinctive word choice patterns -- are to squee for!)

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

You know Vulcans are great at CC with all that nerve pinching going on!!

[archangelbeth]

Totally! (Though they use EverQuest rules for it, not WoW rules -- in EQ, you can CC as many people as you can keep up with! For a Bard, that's about 3...)

[sukino.livejournal.com]

Ha! That made my afternoon!

[siadea.livejournal.com]

*ROLLS laughing* Kirk feels so unclean now!

Linked from archangelbeth

[flail.livejournal.com]

xD That is hilarious! Makes me wish I was still playing WoW; had to take a hiatus due to financial fail.

LOL @ Lagaran. Totes. :3

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I haven't played it in a while myself. I kind of miss it, I guess, but there just isn't time right now. /sigh

[tinchen-zockt.livejournal.com]

So nice :D

And "[2. Trade][Serenata]: WTS Vazga's arena team, 2000G or best offer, psttttttttttttttt" made me laugh so bad... an old friend of ours had a toon namend serenata... and he always tried to tell people to stfu in trade ^^

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

In my experience, one can rarely go wrong by telling people to STFU in trade. :P

[larawander5.livejournal.com]

This made my day. I hope that you realize that you are awesome and that this deserves worship.

[ykoriana.livejournal.com]

I understand absolutely nothing of WoW, but I pretty much figured out everything that was going on, and loved it. And Mr. Cupcake? WIN :-P

[prynne12.livejournal.com]

You win the internetz...

Captainfine FTW.

laughing hysterically.

[onihime-sama.livejournal.com]

OMG I don't even play WOW but this is hilarious. ROFL

[shadowfaux101.livejournal.com]

This is utter win!

[renuki.livejournal.com]

Hey now, I'm a girl and I play WOW. D:

Kinda of surprise to see that Spock played a female Night Elf. XD

*giggle at the ending*

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, that was a part of the joke. You know how boys always say that right? :) Yet look at wow_ladies (which I'm a part of)......

It's logical for Spock to play one of the hottest-looking combos in the game! His opponents might take him less seriously!!

[renuki.livejournal.com]

*nod* Very true. (THEY JUST JEALOUS...or something. XD)

...Yeah. Because, they maybe too busy hitting on him. XD

[brown-bess.livejournal.com]

That rocks so hard. Thank you.

[daughter-of-nut.livejournal.com]

Not a big PvP player, but I can certainly appreciate what these guys are doing- very funny! I've been camped a couple of times, and it's really beyond annoying. On our server, the Alliance tend to be the immature jerks who do this all the time (or ninja you on a quest, and get either the loot or the boss kill you've been setting up for- grr!). You can probably tell I prefer to play Horde, eh? :)

I think it's awesome that Spock and Cupcake are the "Sugar and Spice" team! Kirk is horrified to find out he has the hots for Spock- hee!

And the trade channel- gaa! I've had to turn those off a few times. Particularly those last couple of exchanges can be really typical. snort.

Nice use of both WoW and Star Trek! *claps*

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

I play(ed) Horde in my "time away from raiding". There are some awesome quests! Lament of the Highborne, for one. And some really cool ones in Northrend as well.

"Sugar and Spice" was named in honor of Cupcake, of course. :P His name Azúcar is Spanish for "sugar". (Which would, I guess, leave Spock as the Vulcan spice?)

As for trade chat, yeah....I know it all too well, hehe.

[allbutwon.livejournal.com]

lol. As soon as Vazga started talking I was like OH HELL IS THAT SPOCK. That was so funny, and I've never even played WoW. Captain Fine, lol. I love your Kirk voice in this so much.

[mithrel.livejournal.com]

"Girls don't play WoW." I beg to differ. The trade chat especially was spot on. And Spock has a female toon? o.O

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

The trade chat especially was spot on.

I remember it all too well... :)

And Spock has a female toon? o.O

Why not? Where is the logic in sticking to your own gender when creating a fantasy character? :P

[mithrel.livejournal.com]

True.

[stars-fell.livejournal.com]

BRB FUCKING DYING OF LAUGHTER

This fellow Warcracker salutes you. :D

[elmo-loves-me.livejournal.com]

Never played WOW in my life, but I had to leave a comment because the last line had me absolutely LMAO irl. Good job making this enjoyable to non-gamers! :D

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :D I'm glad the non-gamers were able to get some kicks out of it too.

[callmerayray.livejournal.com]

Can't. Stop. Laughing. Side hurts. Think I'm going to die.

*tries to breathe*
I don't know why, but I think this --> 'K, later. I still gotta do the stupid Hodir dailies...-_-' had to be my favorite line. Just the thought of Bones doing dailies made me lol so damn hard.

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

Yes, just imagine Bones trying to get a starfire on those Viscous Oil before somebody else tags it! XD

[verjill.livejournal.com]

OMG I LOVE THIS. :D And Bones being a druid (Balance, Feral or Restoration???) is making my heart all a flutter. Not to mention the mention of Hodir dailies. Oh, yeah. XD

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

FYI, I see Bones as having dual talent—boomkin for dailies, and resto for PvP.

Ahhhh I miss my little druid sometimes....

[cryogenia.livejournal.com]

This is absolutely adorable :) The trade chat is my favorite part!

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

ahaha, that's full of win :)

[eliyaan.livejournal.com]

Sorry I'm late to the party, but I LOL'd endlessly. :) Great formatting, too.

P.S. I'm also a healer. A masochistic role, to be sure, but I can't help but love it.

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

Haha, I love your icon. :)

And I loved healing. It was my true calling.

[ajan-syetah.livejournal.com]

I just thought you should know that this is absolute genius. I was howling with laughter the whole time! Of course Kirk would be a Pally, he thinks he's so leet! And I love the Bones shares my utter dislike of the Hodir dailies!

Thank you so much for writing this! It definitely made my week! :D

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

Haha thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it. My horde alt just started the Hodir lines last night and it's like...nooooooooo I don't want to get your stupid oil for you!!!!

[lorelei76.livejournal.com]

This is perhaps the most A++++++++mazing thing I've read all week long. Scratch that. It's the most AFuckingMazing thing I've read all YEAR.

This? "[2. Trade][Captainfine]: less QQ more pewpew." made me snort frosting out my noseholes.