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fatimaTitle: An Interview with Mycroft Holmes' Umbrella, OBE
Author: Renata Lord (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
snowlight)
Characters: Mycroft, Mycroft's Umbrella, Sherlock
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine don't sue etc.
Note: As the title indicates, this is pure crack. Many thanks tokrazykoodles and shycroft for beta reading and Britpicking. :D
*
Please tell us a bit about yourself and your background.
MHU: I was made by James Smith & Sons Ltd in 1984, exactly fifty years after MPU (Mary Poppins' Umbrella—Ed) walked out of the very same doors. A most exalted Lady presented me to the previous Viscount Holmes as a sign of Her confidence and affection, and I have been in the Holmes family since.
So you have been with both the father and the son. Are they at all similar as men on the job?
MHU: Well, yes and no. Both of them are very focused and very dedicated, with that extraordinary gift. But I'd say the previous Holmes had more sang-froid that came with the age. Now Mycroft handles himself and almost everybody else very well, obviously, but he is much more prone to show annoyance when something doesn't go the way he wants it to.
I notice you said "almost everybody else."
MHU: He can almost handle his brother. It's a close thing, but the balance between them is constantly tipping in one direction or the other. There isn't what you might call a respectable equilibrium. At times I think it's very unfortunate that Mycroft doesn't use me as a weapon like his father once did. I am equipped for it, you know.
"Unfortunate?"
MHU: Pardon me. I meant fortunate, of course.
What does he use you for, aside from the obvious purpose, then? The two of you are always together.
MHU: Mycroft doesn't get rained on, with or without me. That's simply a fact of life. He's mostly indoors or inside cars, and his aides do take care of minor details like the weather. I believe he just likes holding me so he can have something to do with his hands while his brain is off somewhere doing the calculations. Oh, and I am also useful as a pointing stick. I've been told I can look very threatening.
Who's usually at the other end of the pointing?
MHU: The French. The brother. And the bloody Americans. In that order.
How does the brother react to that?
MHU: It's difficult to tell. I think on one hand he quite resents it because it seems like Mycroft is acting like an unwanted tutor and invoking an authority which he prefers to not recognize. On the other hand, judging from his behaviour patterns, sometimes it's hard to not think he's doing it on purpose to provoke Mycroft, if only to prove he can.
Rumour has it that Sherlock calls you Mycroft's cane.
MHU: Mycroft does like to lean on me somewhat when he's standing. Whatever else he is, he's also a physically lazy person. He would have you believe that the inertia helps him think.
Does it?
MHU: No more than black cocoa does. You know that's what he stashes in his office's secret compartments? Cocoa and Webley pistols. I suppose it's his take on death by chocolate.
You have to admit, that wouldn't be a bad way to go. He has been accused of far worse things.
MHU: He has, hasn't he? That's the trouble with genius, at least in the case of this family. They understand the human condition very well, but in the general sense they have trouble picturing themselves in it. Respected or not, they would always be outsiders looking in.
That sounds more like a description of Sherlock.
MHU: It's true for both of them. I suspect it's why they can't bear to leave each other alone even through the petty feud. Have you any idea how liberating it is to not have to explain every single elementary cerebral process to everybody around you? Mycroft is polite about it, but whenever he tosses me around in his hand while talking to some Yankee from across the Pond, it's because he has gotten impatient.
Before you go, please do tell us about the feud. It's of great interest to many of us.
MHU: Cain and Abel. Osiris and Seth. Romulus and Remus—Oh, don't look so scandalized. Nobody killed anybody here. What I mean is, with two minds like that, it was bound to happen, and it did. That's the important part. No use dwelling on the past, unless you are their poor mother.
*
Finis
Author: Renata Lord (
snowlight)Characters: Mycroft, Mycroft's Umbrella, Sherlock
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine don't sue etc.
Note: As the title indicates, this is pure crack. Many thanks to
krazykoodles and shycroft for beta reading and Britpicking. :D*
Please tell us a bit about yourself and your background.
MHU: I was made by James Smith & Sons Ltd in 1984, exactly fifty years after MPU (Mary Poppins' Umbrella—Ed) walked out of the very same doors. A most exalted Lady presented me to the previous Viscount Holmes as a sign of Her confidence and affection, and I have been in the Holmes family since.
So you have been with both the father and the son. Are they at all similar as men on the job?
MHU: Well, yes and no. Both of them are very focused and very dedicated, with that extraordinary gift. But I'd say the previous Holmes had more sang-froid that came with the age. Now Mycroft handles himself and almost everybody else very well, obviously, but he is much more prone to show annoyance when something doesn't go the way he wants it to.
I notice you said "almost everybody else."
MHU: He can almost handle his brother. It's a close thing, but the balance between them is constantly tipping in one direction or the other. There isn't what you might call a respectable equilibrium. At times I think it's very unfortunate that Mycroft doesn't use me as a weapon like his father once did. I am equipped for it, you know.
"Unfortunate?"
MHU: Pardon me. I meant fortunate, of course.
What does he use you for, aside from the obvious purpose, then? The two of you are always together.
MHU: Mycroft doesn't get rained on, with or without me. That's simply a fact of life. He's mostly indoors or inside cars, and his aides do take care of minor details like the weather. I believe he just likes holding me so he can have something to do with his hands while his brain is off somewhere doing the calculations. Oh, and I am also useful as a pointing stick. I've been told I can look very threatening.
Who's usually at the other end of the pointing?
MHU: The French. The brother. And the bloody Americans. In that order.
How does the brother react to that?
MHU: It's difficult to tell. I think on one hand he quite resents it because it seems like Mycroft is acting like an unwanted tutor and invoking an authority which he prefers to not recognize. On the other hand, judging from his behaviour patterns, sometimes it's hard to not think he's doing it on purpose to provoke Mycroft, if only to prove he can.
Rumour has it that Sherlock calls you Mycroft's cane.
MHU: Mycroft does like to lean on me somewhat when he's standing. Whatever else he is, he's also a physically lazy person. He would have you believe that the inertia helps him think.
Does it?
MHU: No more than black cocoa does. You know that's what he stashes in his office's secret compartments? Cocoa and Webley pistols. I suppose it's his take on death by chocolate.
You have to admit, that wouldn't be a bad way to go. He has been accused of far worse things.
MHU: He has, hasn't he? That's the trouble with genius, at least in the case of this family. They understand the human condition very well, but in the general sense they have trouble picturing themselves in it. Respected or not, they would always be outsiders looking in.
That sounds more like a description of Sherlock.
MHU: It's true for both of them. I suspect it's why they can't bear to leave each other alone even through the petty feud. Have you any idea how liberating it is to not have to explain every single elementary cerebral process to everybody around you? Mycroft is polite about it, but whenever he tosses me around in his hand while talking to some Yankee from across the Pond, it's because he has gotten impatient.
Before you go, please do tell us about the feud. It's of great interest to many of us.
MHU: Cain and Abel. Osiris and Seth. Romulus and Remus—Oh, don't look so scandalized. Nobody killed anybody here. What I mean is, with two minds like that, it was bound to happen, and it did. That's the important part. No use dwelling on the past, unless you are their poor mother.
*
Finis
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-09-14 11:28 pm (UTC)Before you go....咳。
no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 01:14 am (UTC)MHU: The French. The brother. And the bloody Americans. In that order.
喷……
然后喷那个Respected or not, they would always be outsiders looking in.
记起来big bang theory里头有一集Leonard问Sheldon，penny为什么生气还是什么，Sheldon说，你指望我给你一个人类社会行为的解释？
Leonard说……不，我只是想你作为一个outstander能有一个更清晰的视角。
顺说，长柄伞这个东西真是很萌。我从香港带了一柄到米国，就一直没机会用过……
no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 01:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 10:03 am (UTC)MHU: Pardon me. I meant fortunate, of course.
....OMG.
....Did you just write what I think you wrote?
......HOMG.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 11:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 11:12 pm (UTC)I'm sure it can be both.
Just pictured Mycroft spanking Sherlock. HOT.
Date: 2010-09-16 03:59 am (UTC)这倒也没错啦，但是……
Date: 2010-09-16 04:01 am (UTC)Re: Leave the poor umbrella out of this!
Date: 2010-09-16 09:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 04:41 pm (UTC)*gigglesnort*
This was ace! Very funny. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 04:56 pm (UTC)I think I love the bit about the cocoa and pistols the most, it's so sweet and sinister - perfectly Mycroft, then. :D
no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 05:05 pm (UTC):P
Date: 2010-09-15 05:06 pm (UTC)Re: :P
Date: 2010-09-15 05:10 pm (UTC)Re: :P
Date: 2010-09-15 05:14 pm (UTC)Re: :P
Date: 2010-09-15 05:24 pm (UTC)Re: :P
Date: 2010-09-15 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 06:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 06:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-15 06:48 pm (UTC)You should send this to the BBC, well, or Mark Gatiss.
MPU I think I died LOLing. :)
a secret conversation between Mycroft and his umbrella
Date: 2010-09-22 06:34 am (UTC)麦哥：SHUT UP!!!! u R BRITISH-MADE!!!!! SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
伞:可是我觉得中文让我看上去更高贵..哦..你怎么可以这么对待我!
麦哥：OH~~~The author said 你丫不说英文就不让你出镜！
伞:but...but i am speaking english right now you can't do this to me. im only an umbrella
麦哥（敲打伞）：well, it's ALL fine as long as u r speaking english
伞:你们太过分了!你在敲哪里!
麦哥（掏耳朵）：English, English. Dear.
伞:oh please be gentle i break easily..
麦哥（GENTLY 抚摸伞）：QUOTATIONMARK: Everything will be fine as long as u do NOT try to speak chinese. QUOTATIONMARK the author told me so
伞:让作者去死
伞: its getting late! oh i have to get some sleep
作者乱入： what happened here?
伞: u human are unbelievable!
麦哥：Wrong. Author, dear. not human.
伞:oh nothing the umbrella is getting sleepy and is trying to get some sleep here will you be quiet.
伞:fine author whatever that is im going to sleep.
作者：it might be better for you to speak in a former way when i am here.
伞:ya mean like this? go it dude.
麦哥: u r british-made. not those stupid american = =+ watch ur words
伞: wateverz.
Re: a secret conversation between Mycroft and his umbrella
Date: 2010-09-22 06:40 am (UTC)(No Chinese input right now... -_-)
no subject
Date: 2010-11-07 10:20 am (UTC)"They understand the human condition very well, but in the general sense they have trouble picturing themselves in it."
Incredibly brilliant!
Le Cialis Generique
Date: 2017-02-12 06:31 pm (UTC)