Love, Gaila (Star Trek XI)

[fatima]

Written for st_xi_kink request: Orion Love/Sex/Relationship Advice Column! Thanks for the awesome prompt. I had a blast writing this. :D

Title: Love, Gaila
Characters: All (crack)
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.

Love, Gaila
by Renata Lord (snowlight)

*

Dear Gaila,
My best friend flirts with every girl he passes on campus. It's making me looking really bad. To make it worse, a lot of the girls flirt back! I'll never get any if I continue to hang out with him, but he's my best friend. How do I tell him to spread the love and let the other guy get some, too?
—Not a Casanova

Dear NAC:
If you sleep with him, it will be like you're sleeping with all those girls vicariously. Plus, you will get all the STDs that way too. Give it a shake!
Love, Gaila

*

Dear Gaila,
How can I show the girls that I'm a confident, masculine and sexually attractive Asian male? I am in great physical shape, work out everyday, and highly proficient in advanced hand to hand combat. I have an undefeated record in SF's biggest fencing club, yet somehow all girls want from me is having me fixing their computers for them!
—Sushi My Ass

Dear SMA:
Dude, fencing?
Love, Gaila
P.S.: Have you tried your luck with guys yet?

*

Dear Gaila,
I think I am in love with my instructor. He appreciates me as a student but I am not sure how to take it to the next step. He does NOT go to bars and never smiles. HELP!
—Languages of Love

Dear LOL:
Read The Art of War and take no prisoners.
Love, Gaila

*

Dear Gaila,
The guy I secretly carry a torch for calls me "cupcake". Am I wrong to hope? I'm a guy BTW.
—Sleepless in San Fran

Dear SISF:
One is never wrong to hope, unless you are talking about getting a Vulcan guy to do dance of the seven veils for you.
Love, Gaila

*

Dear Gaila,
I enlisted in Starfleet at a very young age. When the guys go out for drinks they won't take me because I'm underage and my fake ID looks too fake. Do you know a good place to get fake IDs around town?
—Drinking Vodka Alone

Dear DVA:
Honestly, I think it's not the fake ID, it's you. Are you any good with sports? I don't mean something like fencing either. Smash their faces down a few times and they'd take you next time. Heck, they might even buy you a drink!
Love, Gaila

*

Dear Gaila,
I followed your advice and confessed my love for the guy who used to call me cupcake. He punched me and said he'd never call me that again.
—Cupcake No Longer

Dear CNL:
Nothing can stop you from 1) punching him back and 2) start calling him cupcake yourself. It's not like it's a secret now. In the meanwhile, ice cream will mend your broken heart.
Love, Gaila

*

Dear Gaila,
A young lady expressing romantic interest in me tried to get me drunk so I would engage in sexual intercourse with her. She insisted that all is fair in love and war.
—How Very Illogical

Dear HVI:
It's not date rape if you yell surprise!
Love, Gaila

*

Dear Gaila,
I have a simple goal before I graduate: to sleep with as many different humanoid species as possible for the advancement of interspecies understanding and friendship. Any recommendations as to which species I should start with? And is there anything I should watch out for as I work to fulfill this mission?
—Born Ready

Dear BR,
Stay away from the Vulcans and start with Orion girls. Call me.
Love, Gaila

Comments

[cedarrapidsgirl.livejournal.com]

I love it! Too cute! Thanks a lot for this!

[train-diskense.livejournal.com]

BRB, DYING OF LAUGHTER

[joirerson.livejournal.com]

*laughs uncontrollably* I can see her perkily saying all of this, too!

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

OMG, your icon wins at internet.

[joirerson.livejournal.com]

It reminds me that no matter what crack we come up with, the writers for TOS came up with crackier crack without the benefit of the internet. I mean, sex pollen? Nazis? Gangsters from the 1930s? Oh yes, TOS has your crack and here's a pipe.

[igrab.livejournal.com]

That is so true. So very true. I hope the tradition continues in canon. X)

[frukost.livejournal.com]

OMG Gaila, she is so wise.

[emiime.livejournal.com]

You for the win! This is amazing, and might as well be canon.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

That was hilarious!

[asimaiyat.livejournal.com]

I fucking died. XD Too funny. I heart Gaila.

[sourmango2891.livejournal.com]

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

I would love to see more of these! ;)

[saavikam77.livejournal.com]

*cackles* XD Too brilliant. I can easily see her having an advice column in the Academy newspaper. XD

[supercrook.livejournal.com]

I would totally send letters to Gaila's advice column.

[shortypenguin.livejournal.com]

I could automatically tell which ones were pavels xD

[thelilytriad.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHA!

I love that Gaila was happily trying to convert half the guys to the other team -- probably so that she could watch. ;)

[oui-heliotrope.livejournal.com]

This is so perfect, WORDS FAIL TO EXPRESS.

OMG GAILA FOREVER <3

OP!

[pyooma.livejournal.com]

Wow, you are fast and awesome! Everyone is perfect and Gaila is oh so wise. I would totally subscribe to her newsletter. LOL Cupcake.

—Not a Casanova

YES.

Are you any good with sports? I don't mean something like fencing either.

Pffffthahaha! Cupcake too! I loooove it! I can't stop using exclamation points! Thank you so much!

Re: OP!

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I wrote this fast because my muse beat me over my head with a stick. :P It started as a joke to dissociate but just came together somehow. dissociate was the one who suggested that Cupcake should be in this, too, so he was. *evil laughter*

Thanks again for the prompt. I really, really had a blast.

[sylc.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Oh, I adored this piece. The very idea of Gaila as a love expert who gives advice is brilliant. Thank you for a very fun read.

[igrab.livejournal.com]

yeah, this has become personal headcanon. 100%.

i read HVI as HIV, though, and it made me snort at myself. XD

FOR GREAT LOLZ ♥

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

i read HVI as HIV, though

Yeah that occurred to me as I was writing it as well, hehe.

[(Anonymous)]

I <3 your icon.

[dimestore-romeo.livejournal.com]

I love how her answer is always to have sex. Preferably with her. <3

My favourite is the Bones one. :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_profiterole_/]

Awesome! XD

*dead at the Kirk/Cupcake*

[tearful-eye.livejournal.com]

The guy I secretly carry a torch for calls me "cupcake".

*giggles*
this is beyond awesome.

[dirty-smudge.livejournal.com]

I'm too drunk for this. Can't stop giggling. Having trouble typing properly.

FUNNNNNY

[jedibuttercup]

LOL! Love Gaila; her advice is fun, and I love how obvious it is who the other characters are despite the complete lack of actual names used.

[rasmizar.livejournal.com]

Oh Gaila ♥
This is brilliant, esp. the cupcake ones... *lol*

[fer-de-lance.livejournal.com]

Dear LOL:
Read The Art of War and take no prisoners.

Dear BR,
Stay away from the Vulcans and start with Orion girls. Call me.

*dies laughing* I LOVE these answers! I'd ask how on earth you come up with them, but the inner workings of genius are something I fear no one can explain. :D

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

I am indeed very flattered, but I must say that I merely pointed out the most logical solution. :P

[naath.livejournal.com]

OMG LOL. I love it.

[radioactivepiss.livejournal.com]

Can't stop giggling can't breathe oh god

Uh. That is. Win and awesome. Especially Vulcans and the dance of the seven veils. That made me choke on my tea. XD

[fayedoll.livejournal.com]

This is hysterical XD Great crack!

[shatfat.livejournal.com]

I loved it, especially the ending. Made me laugh iRL.

[truthwritaslies.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I've ever reviewed any of the stuff you've written before, but I wanted you to know that you are one of my top 3 favorite authors on this comm.

Loved the story as always.

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. Uh, thanks. ^^ I'm afraid I'm out of cute!happy!lovey stories for now, though. /facepalm

[laura47.livejournal.com]

love!! i would totally write an advice column like that. (though i'd reccomend homosexuality to even more of the writers)

[riviyan-questa.livejournal.com]

Pure genius. I rather enjoyed Spock's letter, and Sulu's.

[athenejen]

Hilarious and super, super, super fun!

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And OMG, your icon, win!

[tininess.livejournal.com]

This is absolutely hilarious! Even Spock consulted her. LOL

[rubynye.livejournal.com]

This is galactically awesome. Just like Gaila.

[faith-less-one.livejournal.com]

*can't stop giggling*

I particularly loved Spock's!

[forthisreason.livejournal.com]

P.S.: Have you tried your luck with guys yet?

Nice nod to Takei there.


BRB Laughing hysterically

[kh-mattie.livejournal.com]

Dear Gaila,
A young lady expressing romantic interest in me tried to get me drunk so I would engage in sexual intercourse with her. She insisted that all is fair in love and war.
—How Very Illogical

Dear HVI:
It's not date rape if you yell surprise!
Love, Gaila

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I have never read anything this awesome in my life. I mean that.

[illariy.livejournal.com]

:D They all made me giggle but my favourite was: Read The Art of War and take no prisoners. Gaila rocks!

[shighola.livejournal.com]

Fantastic!

[angelofcaffeine.livejournal.com]

Her advice is awful. And hilarious. XD

I love Gaila! You've written her spectacularly. <3

[snowlight.livejournal.com]

I dunno what you are talking about. I think her advices are AWESOME. XD